Welcome to my very first Newsletter!
I have been reading newsletters for months now for a project I was working on and also just because I feel like this is what blogging used to be. I just share some random thoughts and also books I am reading. It works for me. OH! And Netflix. I love Netflix.
I binged showed on Netflix for months after the suicide of my oldest son Anthony. For those of you who do not know, my oldest son died by suicide in March of 2017. I have heard from people during this year of 2020 that I do not seem to get how hard people are struggling because I am on social media saying my family and I are living our best life and we are thriving in quarantine. But the truth is that we are thriving because we needed a break. One we did not get after Anthony’s suicide because the bills needed to be paid and the world was still turning so we were expecting to get up everyday and do stupid things like put gas in our car, go to school and go buy toilet paper. All of those things seemed really stupid to me in the aftermath of burying my son. What I wanted to do was dig the dirt of his grave until I could see his face again. I craved holding him and hearing his voice, I saw no need to cook dinner or pay the light bill. That is the part about my loss people did not understand. I had to stop myself from laying on my son’s grave and giving up.
So the world stopping gave me a chance to stop. To stop acting like I was ok. To stop “working” and to watch TV with my kids and grandkids. It gave me an excuse to clean the garage my son died in. It gave my husband time at home without fear of becoming homeless so he could mulch the yard. It gave us a reason to sit and stare out the window to soak in the fact that all of it had really happened. Anthony had existed, he had had two children to prove it in his absence. And now he is gone.
Quarantine gave my brain a chance to live in the reality that it all sucked instead of having to pretend life was fine and it made sense to be figuring out a meal plan with Anthony in a grave. Because none of that made sense before. I could fake it but getting my brain to understand why we had to fake it was not easy.
So it was nice to watch Netflix for the last six months not having to act like it was all okay. Because it isn’t.
Here are some of my favorite shows on Netflix this week:
Virgin River : Do not judge me. It has everything I love. A town bar, a house with a fireplace, an actor from Grey’s Anatomy and a woman finding her new normal.
Sweet Magnolias: This show was really good for the same reasons that Virgin River is good. It is about best friends who have lived and grown up in a small town. I grew up in a small town so this vibe works for me. I watched the whole thing in one day. Boop
Felipe Esparza’s Comedy Special: After my son died I found myself watching every comedy special that I could. It was how I allowed myself to laugh. I discovered Felipe and this past month he put out the first ever double special. One is in English and one in Spanish. It is a historic moment in comedy. I am so proud of him.
Here are the places you can hear me this week:
Podcasts:
Books I am reading: