Yesterday was Anthony’s birthday. He would have been 27. For the first time since his suicide this week has not triggered a week long bed rest depression. His birthday is uniquely difficult because it is the celebration of his entrance into the world. The day that he became Anthony Gallegos and I became his mom with him breathing the air of this world. He existed from the moment he was conceived but his birthday is the day I saw his face and held his tiny body and his tiny fingers wrapped themselves around my finger. It was the day that we stopped being attached by his umbilical cord and started being attached by looking at each other and holding on.
His birthday was the anniversary of us becoming a team. Mom and Anthony.
I miss him more and more everyday but that grief has changed. People say time heals, and it a lot of ways it does but the giant hole in my life where Anthony ought to be will never be gone. It will just look different.
This year certainly does. I have found peace and joy in the trees on my new 10 acres of land and in our creek. I have spent vast amounts of time writing and praying. I have found parts of myself that I had buried thinking that they made me less worthy than others. I have talked to and yelled at God. He has replied gently and also in thunder. I have spent time reading from my room in the RV while looking out the window.
I can feel my anxiety melting like an ice cube sitting in the sun (as long as I stay off social media). The other night I sat and cried watching the sun go down and then again as I watched my grandchildren splash in the creek crowing it “better than a swimming pool!” and then once again as my husband and I witnessed three fawns being allowed to graze on their own as a lesson on independence as their mothers took a rest in the grass. Life out here is slower and vastly different than life in the suburbs. Things that matter here do not matter there. The conversations are fewer and about totally different topics.
I could not figure out what the feeling I have is until I put my finger on it. This is peace. I have had so little of it my entire life that it has made me cry at the slightest things. I feel safe and happy all while also wishing Anthony was not dead and was in an RV next to me driving me crazy. In so many ways he is here though and for those moments of knowing that, I am thankful.
Peace does not look how I thought it would. It looks a lot like just living life but with storms, fawns learning how to be adults and a creek that rises and falls depending on the weather.
Here is what I am reading:
I just finished The Sweetness of Water by Nathan Harris and it is so good! The writing is just amazing and the story caught my attention from the beginning. It covered so many topics that all connected on the issue of trauma and racism. It was a beautiful read.
I am reading Talking to Strangers by Malcom Gladwell and it is very interesting to read. It is about communication and how we hear things differently. Things get lost in translation even when people speak the same language. I see this happen every day on social media.
Real Presence by Timothy P O’Malley is a small little book that is full of information on the Eucharist. It is easy to read and understand while giving so much theological teaching on the Eucharist which I think we could all use. With all the talk about Eucharistic coherence I think it is especially important that we all understand what we are talking about as much as we can understand the mystery that is the Eucharist. Prof. O’Malley does a great job doing that!
I was so excited to get an email from my friend Tony Rossi with The Christophers to tell me that he interviewed Maurice Bernard who plays Sonny on General Hospital. I have also been interviewed by Tony so now Maurice and I are BFFs. That is how that works. LOL Not really but seriously, this interview is so good. Maurice talks about his mental health struggles and getting help. I love seeing public people talk about mental health because I know how life saving that can be.
One day I will find links that are not Amazon, but today I have limited WiFi and have to do what is easiest.
Shows I enjoyed:
Fatherhood on Netflix stars Kevin Hart. I loved this movie so much for many reasons. It tackled so many issues at once like single fatherhood, the struggles of a man who did not have a father to be a good one and also the way that grief complicates a family. It was especially good for me to see the grieving mother who has to build a relationship with the living parent of her grandchildren on screen. That is my life and I did not realize how little I see it portrayed in media. It is such a great movie and Kevin Hart did a great job of adding humor to a heavy topic. Humor has saved my life.
Virgin River also on Netflix… So I did not think I would like this show at all because it is cheesy but I love it. I love it so much. I binged the entire third season in two days. It was worth the $13 for WiFi! I love the scenery and the small town life. It is one of the shows that finally convinced me to move back to a small town. But more than anything I like that it is dramatic but also so light.
Working Moms (you guessed it, Netflix): I think this show is just funny and makes some solid points about motherhood, but more than anything it is just messy and motherhood is messy. So so messy. It has inappropriate humor so if you are a prude please do not watch it and then email me about how it is scandalous.
Lastly I leave you with the video of my current favorite song!